July 17, 2024

Nate and I got pregnant with Elijah on the first try. We were shocked, because we understood that it could take months or possibly years to conceive. Pregnancy sickness struck around six weeks. Being nauseous 24/7 was incredibly difficult, especially since it didn’t ease up during my second trimester. I loved my baby, but I was in no hurry to experience pregnancy again. When Elijah was about two and a half, Nate and I decided we’d start to try for baby #2. We started trying again in May 2019, and I got pregnant again on the first try. Unfortunately, we lost that baby in July. That was the first of four miscarriages that I would suffer within a year’s time. I was incredibly discouraged and heartbroken, and I told Nate that I didn’t have it in me to keep trying and losing babies. We decided to give it one last shot. Around the time that we would have conceived, I was playing with Elijah when he suddenly said, “Mama, we need more toys.” “Why, buddy,” I asked, genuinely curious. “For my baby sister,” he replied, matter-of-factly. He was almost four at this point, so I didn’t think a ton of it, except that the timing was a little eerie. Then about two weeks later, after I had gotten the faintest positive pregnancy test, the same thing happened. Out of the blue, “Mama, we need to get more baby stuff.” “Why, buddy?” “For my baby sister!” I couldn’t help but hope that he was right. Maybe the Lord told him what we didn’t know — that I would get to carry this baby to term, and that it would be a girl. Sure enough, that pregnancy gave us Maya. Our family was complete. After another tremendously difficult pregnancy battling not only constant nausea, but also getting diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I was perfectly content to never be pregnant again. 

Fast forward to fall 2023. I had been thinking about the possibility of having a third baby. I fully intended to ignore the stirring in my spirit. We were done. I was 40. And I dreaded another nine months of sickness. I was just being silly. But one night after we’d tucked the kids into bed, Nate asked me if by chance I’d been thinking about a third baby. I was in total disbelief. He said he had been thinking about a third, too. We decided that we would leave the decision up to God. I scheduled my IUD removal, but we wouldn’t track my cycle or take ovulation tests or anything. If God wanted us to have baby number three, we would happily accept His gift. Just days after having that conversation, the whole family was hanging out in the family room. Elijah turned around to look at us and said, “I think our third baby should be named Henry.” Then he turned back around and kept playing on his iPad as if he hadn’t just dropped another prophetic bomb. Nate and I just stared at each other, flabbergasted. Could this actually happen twice?

I wasn’t tracking my cycle, but I did keep track of when we had sex (just in case). One evening in March, I went to log “the act,” and I was shocked to discover that I was supposedly right in the middle of my fertile window. I was instantly excited, and I tried to keep my hopes reasonable. But because I’m me, I couldn’t stop myself from testing early. I had a test in my bathroom cabinet, so after a week and a half had passed I decided to give it a go. I had been breaking out, “but it’s going to be negative,” I told myself. Less than three minutes after starting the test, I saw the darkest line I’d ever gotten on a pregnancy test. I was pregnant. Nate was incredibly surprised but absolutely thrilled. Now the question was, again, would we get to keep this child?

Days passed with no bleeding, nothing abnormal. I booked an early ultrasound with my OB, and sure enough there was a baby! The nausea reared its lovely head, and after I’d passed the point of my latest miscarriage, I was feeling pretty confident. I got my bloodwork done around 11 or 12 weeks and impatiently waited to see if Baby Henry would be a boy or a girl. We got our results from the lab late on June 13th. Our baby was a GIRL! But along with our happy news was a big red warning symbol. Our baby was very high risk for Trisomy 18. I’d heard of it, but had no recollection of that particular diagnosis. A quick Google search took our breath away. “Incompatible with life.” The NIPT bloodwork is not a diagnostic test, so being at risk did not indicate that baby girl had the extra 18th chromosome. Nate and I decided to get further testing, and an amniocentesis confirmed our worst fears. Baby girl does, in fact, have Trisomy 18. 

So what does that mean? We do not know how much time we will have with her. Some babies pass away in the second or even third trimester. Others are stillborn at term, and still others may live moments to days to months after birth (with severe neurological and cardiac difficulties). Her prognosis cannot be determined. All we can do is monitor her regularly for growth and any physical abnormalities. And pray. Despite being absolutely crushed by the news that we will have such limited time with our daughter, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this child was chosen for us by our Heavenly Father, the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Every minute we have her is a miracle, and along with a peace that truly passes understanding I immediately resolved that I would not spend our precious time together in nothing but sadness and mourning. Of course, that doesn’t mean shutting down emotions. And they are hard and unpredictable. But it means delighting in her presence, showing her joy and love each day for as long as we get with her. Nate and I are clinging to the truth of God’s goodness and His perfect plan for this little girl and for our family. 

We sang this song in church last weekend, and it has never been more timely. 

“I won’t bow to idols, I’ll stand strong and worship You
And if it puts me in the fire, I’ll rejoice ’cause You’re there too
I won’t be formed by feelings, I’ll hold fast to what is true
If the cross brings transformation I’ll be crucified with You
‘Cause death is just a doorway into resurrection life
If I join You in Your sufferings, then I’ll join You when You rise
And when You return in glory with all the angels and the saints
My heart will still be singing, my song will be the same

O Christ be magnified
Let His praise arise
Christ be magnified in me
O Christ be magnified
From the altar of my life
Christ be magnified in me”

We don’t walk through the fire alone, and that is an overwhelming comfort. Christ, be magnified.